Lighter

Change of perspective...Reflecting...
(If only I looked in the mirror and saw this for a reflection. BOOM! haha)

A friend pointed out something different about me weeks ago and I remember her face and how she said it: "Parang ang taba mo ngayon." Lord knows just how much of a weightI burdened trying to lose five pounds. I lost it all right. I'm happy. Not really cause I wanted to show her I lost weight---because she might not see it and in reality, it doesn't truly matter, but because I had set to lose some  anyway and now I'm 5 pounds lighter.

Fast forward to last Wednesday when I sat a little tired, hours past work and dinner swimming through stories, memories actually, of how the woman laid to rest in front of us was while she was alive. Lola Edeng, my grandmother's closest cousin passed away days ago and even though I wasn't close to her, I wanted to pay my respects, let the family know that we cared and let Lola Edeng know that from the rare times I've seen her, I remember her.

Tito Boy, Lola Edeng's son, had a really short speech to give about his mother and the thing that really stuck with me was how he described his mother, saying something like how his mom always does things with and for a purpose. Sifting through the beauty of her being a good mom, a good woman, a great friend, a caring parishioner what made me more sad was knowing that a woman who believed in a purpose, had a real sense of life was gone.

Pull!

...to fall apart into the millions...Marcel Castenmiller

Since I could remember I've always felt like there had been much pressure, responsibility and expectation burdened upon my shoulders. Why? It's most likely because of what I've gone through. Probably why I've been attracted to Atlas and Ayn Rand's book cover. And that's probably why I've had contrasting ideas and interests and sometimes, hard-to-tell, difficult-to-categorize of a personality. The feeling actually is staying in the in between---and it's not even because of a sexual orientation  issue, that I've got cleared, alright. It's something else, and it's just hit me now.

Today, I realized that I'm built to endure an eternal tug of war not between, but among a million pulls. If I'd break and if I had ever given myself room for a breaking point, they come in small, unexpected moments. It's part of being human anyway, breaking down. The cheesy part, I'll have to skip, cause honestly, I don't feel like getting up. And it's not even an issue of giving up, it's just not always how it is...If I could just break apart into the millions of pulls people, time and memory has engraved on my soul, I really would love that. 

Then again, no one can ever go against how he's built. Others are built to feel free, others to soar up, others---sadly, to fail and find contentment in it, that's how they are, and nothing's wrong. What's wrong is not being how you are, how you're built. And since this is how I am, then this is how it shall all happen. Keep pulling and the only person winning, in the end, I know, is me.

note: Despite the happy fact that I've met such awesome people today, I just had to recognize the fact that you just can't end a day happy or sad. Balance kids...Balance.  I'm also sorry I have to write in cryptic, kindaemotionalandsad language, but I needed to let it out. Good night.

- Gerard