|...to fall apart into the millions...Marcel Castenmiller|
Since I could remember I've always felt like there had been much pressure, responsibility and expectation burdened upon my shoulders. Why? It's most likely because of what I've gone through. Probably why I've been attracted to Atlas and Ayn Rand's book cover. And that's probably why I've had contrasting ideas and interests and sometimes, hard-to-tell, difficult-to-categorize of a personality. The feeling actually is staying in the in between---and it's not even because of a sexual orientation issue, that I've got cleared, alright. It's something else, and it's just hit me now.
Today, I realized that I'm built to endure an eternal tug of war not between, but among a million pulls. If I'd break and if I had ever given myself room for a breaking point, they come in small, unexpected moments. It's part of being human anyway, breaking down. The cheesy part, I'll have to skip, cause honestly, I don't feel like getting up. And it's not even an issue of giving up, it's just not always how it is...If I could just break apart into the millions of pulls people, time and memory has engraved on my soul, I really would love that.
Then again, no one can ever go against how he's built. Others are built to feel free, others to soar up, others---sadly, to fail and find contentment in it, that's how they are, and nothing's wrong. What's wrong is not being how you are, how you're built. And since this is how I am, then this is how it shall all happen. Keep pulling and the only person winning, in the end, I know, is me.
note: Despite the happy fact that I've met such awesome people today, I just had to recognize the fact that you just can't end a day happy or sad. Balance kids...Balance. I'm also sorry I have to write in cryptic, kindaemotionalandsad language, but I needed to let it out. Good night.