Thursday, March 3, 2011

On A Bike Ride Away: A Letter to Possibility

Biking Away's never (felt) looked this good

Dear Possibility,

I used to question what it is about me that you didn't like. I never---in the first place, had the stomach to walk up to you and tell you how it is. And when friends listen to my side of the story, they say it's my bad...There it was, the possibility of having something like a fireworks show and seeing that everyday, slipping through fingers spread wide. I'd love to blame fear for this, but if there was anything more powerful than fear, it was my decision to stop the pursuit of "happiness".

I've grown old, tired of seeing myself lose (in the confines of sleep, of dreams, of a world kept far from everyone else) a projection of me next to you and it's a picture perfect moment of one among the many I could tell would've been great. I am tired of seeing you, and people like you as an escape to facing reality...Or to put it more profoundly, I have lost all my desires of being selfish, or gratified because you provided for me, the greatest escape and blank canvas I could run to and paint well with. I've just grown old.

And after, whenever I do see you, I throw my questions to you---though in my head, wondering if you're alright, or if you've finally gotten over the emotional stress you've carried around. But I never tell that to anybody cause I've told them only half of the truth. So maybe it is fear, fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of never being able to hear the same questions with the same amount of gravity I place in them coming from you.You have summed up for me "endless possibility" and this I believe touched me more than just figuring out what I could do for you to like me.

You are so promising, it's a gift that God has granted so little of us. People present themselves to you and they're causing you nothing but trouble, but these are the people you need because they push you to achieving and going beyond mere chances of becoming something more, something worth the space in memory...This, I see is the reason why I took a bike ride away...

If going too close and dropping the magical, double-sided phrase the world has heard of billions of times ever came to be, I don't think you would be able to be that someone I know you want to be. It's not that I bring people like you down, but it's just not my time to "love" someone like you. In the equation of love, you've given me the golden key to becoming selfish. And this, I knew would poison you and I. You're too precious, I'm too much of a mess....I want to see you set flight to the moon, or to wherever you could take yourself to, and I believe I'd only tie you down. 

You have helped me realize what it is I want, what it is that I am supposed to be and I thank you for teaching me that. Now I see you as a portion of myself, someone I naturally love at a distance. There is nothing in this world I want but for you to be great and awesome and the fulfillment of your own dreams. And as the years have proven, I actually do love you. Though in distance, God knows and the stars know them too, that this is how it is. I've never been happier. One day, when you do search for love in this world and maybe I'm somewhere in it too just lost in its far-reaching soil and sea, I just might pass you by on the same bike I've taken with me. If ever that shall happen, I'm sure I'm finally ready to be with you and put myself behind us. People will call it stupid, some will poke at me for a name, but I'll never break or ever tell them....

If you have chanced upon this letter dear Possibility, remember that on my bike ride away, you're physically behind me, but somewhere kept like a secret inside the complexities of my heart. 
I've been strong to let go of one, another just as precious is not difficult, but in fact has showed me my limitless ability to love....And I've never been this happy.


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